Week 1
Julie Soderstrom:
Mob Mentality - OUTSIDE RESEARCH
The topic you chose to research is
excellent. While I've known what mob mentality was for the longest time,
I've never understood the specifics. The way you presented the subject
was well done - giving a succinct overview of each aspect and theory. H
owever,
my one gripe is that I wish you'd go more in-depth into the third
theory that combines the two previous - is there anything else to it?
It's also interesting that mob mentality affects us in every way,
even ways that aren't completely negative - which is what we usually
associate it with. I've never thought of it that way, and that's
probably because we only recognize it when the mob mentality phenomenon
is involved in something like looting or something of the sort that
makes a lot of noise and is blatantly obvious.
Amir Wathstein:
I can definitely see the theme you
refer to in the story. It's also very, very prevalent in our own world.
We can see "tradition" weighing on people's thoughts and beliefs
everywhere - in fact, it's so fundamental to us that it's basically
ingrained into most if not all democratic nation's political system.
Young individuals often embrace the progressive ideas of the time, which
involve changing the way things are as they begin to enter and
understand the real world, and this is opposed to older folk who tend to
subscribe to more conservatives ideas, or those that have been in
action throughout their lifetime.
While it's
true that the old man might have
been desensitized, I believe that it also comes down to change. The
tradition didn't make life so terrible as to prompt any revolution or
anything, and any feelings associated with the tradition likely died
down immediately after the lottery was over. Therefore, people didn't
really feel the
need to change what was going
on. The older Summers got, the less he wanted things to change, and
that's what happened in the story.
Week 2
Andrew Mainhart:
The way you wrote your essay - clear
and to the point - is commendable and made it easy to read. To improve
the essay, however, I'd recommend introducing a conclusion that sums up
the points that you made and explains how each quote contributes to your
main idea. At the moment, it feels as though much of the essay is
"unused" in a way - since it's currently the reader's job to connect the
quotes to the main idea, it probably doesn't do as well of a job as it
could and may leave a reader confused (who potentially might not have
read the story). This isn't as big of an issue as it appears, though.
The quotes you chose to use to convey your idea were perfect for the
job.
Julie Soderstrom:
Crux
Your essay is very effective at
conveying your idea about how the crux affects the story. It's
concluded, which leaves the reader with the idea you wanted to express
in the first place. It's very easy to follow since you structured it in a
way that places the main idea in the second sentence, right after the
crux quote you chose. The one thing I'd recommend is to introduce a
paragraph break in the introduction. You included 2 quotes alongside the
crux which makes it slightly more difficult to read, and breaking it
apart would allow you to focus on each one and make the essay more
understandable in general.
When it comes to the actual point of your story, it's pretty
convincing. While I previously was set on the idea that the Tlic were
simply using the Humans with little regard for them as sentient beings, I
now am beginning to wane in that stance, as the quotes you provide
overwhelmingly suggest a different kind of relationship than I
previously imagined. At the same time, however, it could also be clever
manipulation...
Week 3
Brandon Aronoff
CRUX
I find that it’s extremely interesting that while we chose
effectively the same quote as our crux, the ideas we chose to write
about were completely unrelated. I think that should tell us a lot about
Jennifer Egan’s writing prowess. This one, tiny bit of exposition
flipped the perception of the story for two people in completely
different ways.
At first glance, your essay has no paragraph breaks, which – in my
opinion – is a major problem. After reading, however, I realized that
this is a formatting issue that could be remedied very easily in your
case. Basically, I recommend to simply create a paragraph break prior to
presenting a new thesis statement. This will make it a lot easier to
read and follow.
Otherwise, the essay made points well. Although, I can’t say that I
fully agree with the idea that one of the takeaways of the story is
that women can be a major threat to “us” despite seeming harmless. I’d
rather say that, in general, a human being is very capable of carrying a
hidden motive – although we have to remember that this individual is
practically half-machine and not a regular person, which could make
things a little different.
Ashish Patel
Crux
While I feel as though the first two
paragraphs were strong and conveyed the point you were trying to make
very well, I felt as though the formatting of the essay and the third
and final paragraph – the conclusion – need some work.
As far as I understand, your main idea – the one you conveyed through
the introduction – was that Black Box contains ideas that supersede the
spy-novel elements that we read about. I agree with that, and the
quotes you put forth are well chosen to support your argument.
However, your concluding paragraph in its current state is, to put it
blatantly, irrelevant and doesn’t really “conclude”. It doesn’t support
the main idea you were trying to bring to our attention from the
beginning, nor does it sum up the points you made prior. I think that
with a bit of revision, this issue could be remedied by merging some the
concepts you bring up at the end with the points supporting the main
idea, creating a takeaway that neatly wraps up your essay.
Otherwise, your essay was convincing and understandable. The points themselves, in my opinion, were presented quite well.
Week 4
Wills Martin
Wills Martin Crux
I know that this isn't the focus of
your essay, but the family didn't come off as low-class to me - they
felt more lower-middle in my opinion.
I couldn't relate to your crux, unfortunately, because I have to
admit that the "cover image" that was provided with the link gave away a
huge portion of the upcoming twist. I was also expecting the twist
because SGs were constantly mentioned, and we read 2 "immoral twist"
stories in class already.
However, your essay is based off of your own experience, and that's
absolutely how it's supposed to be. As a crux, it's well constructed for
the purpose - revealing to us your thought process during the reading.
Your supporting points are clear and straightforward, and most
importantly, you have an excellent conclusion which sums up why you felt
the way you did about the crux.
As for the actual point you make, the quote you chose makes sense. It
does give enough exposition to let the reader understand what is going
on as well as why.
Christopher Kelly
While the crux quote was well
chosen, and the primary point you made is strong, I didn't feel as
though your essay body supported your conclusion. It felt a lot more
like a summary - the second paragraph being exposition, the third being
the events of the story, and the conclusion being mainly the actions of
the child. I felt as though only the final sentences in the conclusion
contributed to the thesis.
If those were your supporting points (It's totally fine if they
were!), you should try to write a sentence or two explaining how they
tie into your main idea/thesis; and make sure to start with a thesis
soon after the quote. That way, you don't leave all the guessing and
thinking to the reader. Then, integrate all of these into a conclusion
that leaves the reader with the thesis and the way the points mesh into
it fresh in their mind.
Otherwise, the writing was smooth and the essay in general flowed
well, although it was a bit jarring at the very end due to the thesis
idea being stated for the very first time mid-conclusion.
Week 6
Steven Hafif
Steven Hafif - Outside Research
I agree with the other comments.
This appears to be a crux essay, in which you took quotes and elements
from the text and related them to the real world through parallels.
Otherwise, I feel as though the connections you made are valid. It
appears that Atwood took multiple terrible, almost dystopian settings
and merged them to make her own. In my own crux essay, I described how
the part of the story where a group of Japanese tourists were taking
photos felt much like the perspective of a local in nations where
freedom is limited and tourists are allowed in very occasionally.
While you could have gone more in depth about how these parallels
affected your perception of the story, it was a good essay. The points
were understandable and a proper conclusion wrapped up the essay very
well. It left me wondering about what other real world sources Atwood
drew inspiration from.
Victoria Wilson
Crux
Your crux was insightful. I never
really thought about how suicide could be seen as a form of freedom or
control, but it really is. In some cases, it's the only thing a person
has power over, and when that is clearly taken away in the story, it
symbolizes how the women who live in this nation have literally no
control over anything.
Otherwise, I wish you went a little deeper into potential connections
to the real world. This crux shows us that the story might contain a
theme - a political commentary about how freedom and
surveillance/protection should balance each other out.
Your conclusion was excellently written. It left me with a question
to ponder, which led me to make real-world connections as shown above.
The points were clear and the essay flowed well, in my opinion.
Week 7
Brian Stump
Monologue
The monologue was great. The
feelings lying behind that first person point of view drives us to
understand who's talking without pushing it.
While reading this, I felt as though it really made a great addition
to the story itself. While it's not something that Offred would say or
write herself (obviously), it brings us more insight into the
relationships and general social dynamics of the world. Telling a part
of the story from the point of view of an individual who isn't Offred
gives us a broader view on how people interact with each other in the
baby-factory houses of Gilead.
Of course, you did a great job; but yet I feel as though there were
certain areas that could be expanded in to.
Personally, I'd be
interested to hear this person talk more about themselves, since we
already know so much about Offred's life. It would really help flesh the
narrator out a little more as a person, rather than a static, well,
narrator of a story.
No comments:
Post a Comment